beep.. beep.. beep

So last night I'm reading in bed and I hear this faint beep.. beep.. beep sound. I check around, determine that it's not coming from inside my house, and go back to reading. I can still kind of hear it, though, but I'm sure it'll be gone by the time I'm ready to sleep.

An hour later I turn out the lights and there it is... beep.. beep.. beep. It sounds like it's coming from right outside the kitchen window, so I crank open the window and look out. The sound doesn't stop, even though I am glaring very hard in its general direction. I go back to bed.

beeeeep... beeeeeep... beeeeeep

Whatever it is seems to be dying. Maybe I can wait it out.

beep.. beep.. beep

Fuck. It's not dying. Maybe I should investigate. Except it's cold and drizzly out and my bed is warm and snuggly.

beep.. beep.. beep

Oh, fine. I get up and put on my green flannel pajama pants, red clogs, and red flannel jacket. This is not as festive a look as you might imagine.

I check out the back of the building. Nothing.

I check out the townhouses next door. Louder, but still not there.

I check out the cottages on the other side of the townhouses. The beeping is VERY LOUD here.

There's a bag of trash in front of one of the cottages. I open the gate, tiptoe in, and check it out. The beeping is REALLY VERY LOUD, but it's not coming from the bag. It's... what the fuck? There's a smoke alarm just sitting on top of a bush right in front of me, and it's beeping.

I pick it up and push the reset button. The beeping is REALLY REALLY VERY LOUD AND KIND OF STARTING TO HURT. ALSO, IT IS NOT STOPPING.

Fine. I'll just take the battery out.

Except... there's no way to make it come out. I can see it, but I can't find a way to open the damn thing no matter how I twist, pull, and poke at it.

It's dark out and I have to hold it right up to my face to inspect it, which makes the beeping EXCRUCIATINGLY LOUD. This is not working out well at all.

I mash the reset button harder. Several times. The beeping does not stop. I think I may be going deaf.

I throw it to the ground and give it a half-hearted stomp. The ground is wet and slippery so it slides out from under my foot. And doesn't stop beeping.

I figure I'll just take it far enough away that I can't hear it. That works for a few yards until I realize that 1) it's mean to make it someone else's problem, and 2) I really don't want to be walking around in the rain dressed like a hippie elf any longer that is strictly necessary, especially if I'm carrying a VERY LOUD AND ANNOYING MACHINE. Discreet, I am not.

So, fine. I drop it on the ground and stomp on it until finally the beeping stops. Mission accomplished. I go home and go back to bed just in time to avoid the hailstorm.

The next day I tell B about it and he says, "Are you sure it wasn't a little kid?" Bastard.