I love to sing-a

Molly Ivins

So, Molly Ivins has died and it sucks pretty hard. The good news is that Molly explains, in the "Dildo Diaries" that I thankfully qualify as a mere dildo "hobbyist" and not a felon. I'll leave it you you to guess how many more "educational models" would tip me over that edge.

My girl thing

So, remember I had a girl thing a while back? I've been getting these letters from the insurance company ever since, letting me know that they were requesting more information from my doctor. Finally, I got a letter saying that my claim had been denied.

I call the insurance company to try to figure out who needs to be kicked in the pants over this. And the CSR is very helpful. He takes a minute or two to look up the claim, then comes back on and says, "OK. I see the problem. You see, all of our members have a flag on their account indicating if they're male or female. For some reason, yours says your male, and since this was a female procedure, it kicked out. I'll fix it and resubmit the claim."

Thanks Blue Cross! I always did think I was a guy and now I have proof.

Drama at Bingo night

I had my first night of volunteering at Casino Night at the nursing home. They have blackjack and bingo. Because I'm nice (and a sucker) I ended up calling bingo. You wouldn't think there would be drama at bingo, but you'd be wrong.

There were five people at my table, all in wheelchairs: one newly married couple, the wife with dyed red hair and the husband a bit of a joker; one slightly batty woman; one "normal" woman; and one toothless woman who kept fiddling with her shirt and looking at her bra. I don't know if it has to do with not having teeth, but her tongue was sticking waaaaay out, and it kind of needed a brushing.

I call the bingo games and hand out a quarter for each winning game. They're each playing two bingo cards which is against protocol but we're allowing it because there are only five players. The big-screen TV is on behind me with the volume off, so the rest of the room can follow the basketball game. This is also against protocol because the "normal" lady asks me to turn it off, and when someone comes by to turn it on again she pouts that it's "not fair" but nevertheless allows the TV to stay on.

After another volunteer shows up, she calls the numbers and I help the toothless woman fill in her card. She's still way more interested in looking down her shirt than she is in the game. Then the slightly batty woman looks over and mouths that she needs to use the bathroom. Thankfully, the volunteer coordinator is walking by and I try to hand off the problem to her. She offers to take the batty woman to the bathroom but the new bride announces that "She must be present to win!" and that nobody can play her card while she's gone. I'm dumbfounded and the volunteer coordinator is unsuccessfully trying to argue that bathroom breaks are perfectly acceptable exceptions. Batty lady now doesn't want to go the bathroom and is looking pretty miserable about it. I ask if it's ok for us to stop the game while she's gone but that is apparently also "not fair". I have no counterargument to sheer bullheadedness and we're all relieved when the "normal" woman says we can watch her bingo cards while she's gone. In the five minutes she's gone, someone else wins (thankfully) and we all move on with our lives.

So, lots of drama and crotchety old women (plus one crotchety middle-aged woman, I suppose) for one lousy hour of bingo. We'll see if I sign up for this again next week.

File Under "Collective Left Nut"

From Firedoglake:

Color me confused. Everyone on TV seems to be buying the line that the Goss resignation has been planned for weeks. No natural curiosity about the fact that it takes effect immediately, or that there is no replacement, or that he had a meeting scheduled this afternoon he didn’t show up for. Not to mention the fact that as Professor Foland pointed out in the comments, the White House would’ve probably sacrificed its collective left nut to avoid stepping on a drunk Kennedy story.

But has the entire press corps turned into such a pile of humorless prudes that they can’t connect the dots in the Brent Wilkes hooker scandal?

Seriously, why isn't more political analysis like this? It's succinct, accurate, and eloquent. Plus it's a little dirty.

Insert Hammer Joke Here

Last week I used my hammer. Why I used it isn't important; what's important is that when I was done with it, I set it down where it didn't belong.

I remember saying to myself, "Self, if you leave the hammer there, you won't be able to find it the next time you need it."

And my self said back, "It's cool; I'll just set it right here with the handle kinda sticking out. You'll see it and put it away later."

So tonight I needed the hammer again. And of course I couldn't find it. I looked all over the place and it was not sticking out of any shelf, tabletop, or anything else in the apartment.

Finally, I remembered what I'd used the hammer for, which meant it was somewhere in the office. The office I'd rearranged recently. There was only one other shelf in the office that I hadn't checked. Look at the last post and see if you can guess what it was.




Figured it out? Of course you did. It was the printer stand, the one that now has four casters, which make it super easy to spin completely around so the shelf that had a hammer sticking out in front now has a hammer sticking out in back. Gaaaah.

Ah, well. I found it and got my calendar hung (yes, I know it's April. Shut up.) and the hammer is now in the toolbox where it belongs.

How to clean your room

1. Decide to move the office desk.

2. Realize that to move the office desk, you have to move the printer stand.

3. Realize that to move the printer stand, you will probably need the casters for it, which were last seen somewhere in the bedroom.

4. Realize that to find the casters, you will have to move several pounds of dirty laundry.

5. Realize that to move several pounds of dirty laundry into the laundry basket, you have to put away the clean clothes that are currently in there.

6. Put away clean clothes.

7. Pick up dirty clothes and put them in the laundry basket.

8. Find all four casters.

9. Put casters on printer stand.

10. Move printer stand.

11. Move desk. Most of the way.

12. Realize that for the desk to go where you want it to go, you'll have to move the bookcase.

13. Decide you've had enough for one day. Leave the printer stand in the middle of the room.

14. Write blog post

15. Go to bed in newly clean (well, mostly) bedroom.